i hope i can share to someone exactly what i am going through right now..

Had a short chat with my father a minute ago. We talked about his plan of buying a tennis racket but instead bought two laptops for Jonas and Joan. I have the best dad in the world. I miss him so much!
Then the word turkey popped in the talk which reminded us about our "pet" turkey back in the late 80's.

I may not have a beautiful house, a shiny car and the newest gadgets.. but I have the most wonderful parents anyone can ever imagine.

October 15, 2011

First of all, everyday should be called a good day because each sunrise is like a promised gift from God.

My list of things to be thankful for is never short.

But, at 11:35pm, my body feels so tired, something was wrong with the shoes I've just bought for my daughter, I got a little pissed off by something that my husband didn't do (like helping me out with the dishes).  In a couple of hours, we would be leaving for Bataan and I still haven't packed yet.

So now I am torn between wearing a smile before sleeping and feeling angry about something.  If I chose to smile, would it be real?  If I slept feeling angry, would it be the right thing?

Not all days are happy and that's the reality.

Maybe a few deep breaths will do the trick!

Before I end, I'm still thankful to God for everything.

I don't like travelling alone so whenever I could, I would bring my daughter/s with me.

Yesterday, I brought my Georgia with me to Balanga City.  I had quite a few errands on my list and I wondered if she'd be patient enough to go through all of it.  Surprisingly, my daughter did great.  I never heard her complain about anything.  We went to three banks, walked for a several meters and she was still okay.  So finally, it was time to give her a treat in Jollibee.  And how could I resist not giving in to her requests after all that she went through.  She asked for a chicken meal, cheeseburger, strawberry sundae and an angry bird balloon.

I remember when Brittany was her age, she was also a good companion wherever I go.

I love my daughters

Early Valentine

Red roses were her favorites, her name was also Rose.

And every year her husband sent them, tied with pretty bows.

The year he died, the roses were delivered to her door.

The card said, "Be my Valentine," like all the years before.

Each year he sent her roses, and the note would always say,

"I love you even more this year than last year on this day.

My love for you will always grow, with every passing year."

She knew this was the last time that the roses would appear.

She thought, he ordered roses in advance before this day.

Her loving husband did not know, that he would pass away.

He always liked to do things early, way before the time.

Then, if he got too busy, everything would work out fine.

She trimmed the stems, and placed them in a very special vase.

Then, set the base beside the portrait of his smiling face.

She would sit for hours, in her husband's favortie chair.

While staring at his picture, and the roses sitting there.

A year went by, and it was hard to live without her mate.

With loneliness and solitude, that had become her fate.

Then, the very hour, as on Valentine's before,

The doorbell rang, and there were roses, sitting by her door.

She brought the roses in, and then just looked at them in shock.

Then, went to get the telephone, to call the florist shop.

The owner answered, and she asked him, if he would explain,

Why would someone do this to her, causing her such pain?

"I know your husband passed away, more than a year ago," the owner said,

"I knew you'd call, and you would want to know.

The flowers you received today, were paid for in advance.

You husband always planned ahead, he left nothing to chance."

"There is a standing order, that I have on file down here,

And he has paid, well in advance, you'll get them every year.

There also is another thing, that I think you should know.

He wrote a special little card... he did this years ago.

Then, should I ever find out that he's no long here,

That's the card.. that should be sent to you the following year."

She thanked him and hang up the phone, her tears now flowing hard.

Her fingers shaking, as she slowly reached to get the card.

Inside the card, she saw that he had written her a note.

Then, as she stared in total silence, this is what he wrote...

"Hello my love, I know it's been a year since i've been gone,

I hope it hasn't been too hard for you to overcome.

I know it must be lonely, and the pain is very real.

for it was the other way, I know how I would feel.

The love we shared made everything so beautiful in life.

I loved you more than words can say, you were the perfect wife."

"You were my friend and lover, you fulfilled my every need.

I know it's only been a year, but please try not to grieve.

I want you to be happy, even when you shed your tears.

That is why the roses will be sent to you for years."

"When you get these roses, think of all the happiness,

That we had together, and how both of us were blessed.

I have always loved you and I know I always will.

but, my love, you must go on, you have some living still."

"Please... try to find happiness, while living your days.

I know it is not easy, but I hope you find some ways.

The roses will come every year, and they will only stop,

When your door's not answered, when the florist stops to knock."

"He will come five times that day, in case you have gone out.

But after his last visit, he will know without a doubt,

To take the roses to the place, where I've instructed him,

And place the roses where we are, together once again." 

-- o --

I found this poem from the newspaper STAR.  I've kept the clipping for many years now and shared it with several friends.  I decided to put it in my blog because the paper has aged already and I might misplace it someday.  Up to now, I wonder who the author is because it's written anonymously.

The story in this poem may seem a little impossible to happen in real life but I think it's not completely impossible.

The fast paced life we live now may take away that simple joys of loving.  Man has become materialistic in disguise.  With so many bills to pay, dreams to conquer, gadgets to own and vanity to wear, we lose ourselves to the world.  We even forget the reason why we got married while it should be thought of every single day.  Marriage is one thing, relationship with God is another.  All we do is call Him when we need Him.  What has become of us?  Soon, we'd all dry up until we long for the rain.

This poem reminds me each time I read it that we can never have the one we love forever.  So each day, I look into Bernie's eyes and say to myself.. "This the guy I fell in love with in 1998."  And then all of a sudden, just like a rose fresh from getting watered, I am falling in love again.

A lot of things have changed in me, in him, in our relationship but one thing I cannot change: "This is the guy I fell in love with in 1998 and the same guy I fall in love with EVERYDAY."

I always have trouble creating titles for my blogs.  Is there a tutorial for that?

I have just watched a movie, Tuesdays with Morrie, via Youtube.  Ahh.. the wonders of the internet: You can watch movies with just a few clicks on the keyboard.

One hour seemed not enough for this movie.  It's overflowing with so much wisdom that are very straight to the point.  No need to unravel a mystery just to get the message.  I like this movie but it made me cry so much.

Death and dying.  Family and love.  Fear.  Things that we take for granted.  Things that we don't want to talk about..

Not so long ago, I told, mistakenly, my 4 year-old daughter that someday I was going to grow old.  It was a mistake because right there and then she cried.  She didn't know the concept of growing old yet so I'd say it was a wrong way or time to tell a very young child.

Growing up, I never thought of or pictured my parents as very old people.  All I knew is that I had a grandmother who was already old when I first saw her and so it was okay.  Now that I am turning 36 in a few days, I know what aging is all about.  And that five years, ten years, twenty years from now, things will be very very different.  Many people don't like aging.  But it's a thing that I would want to embrace.  To accept the cycle of life.  But in my mind, I can still imagine myself young and running as if there was no tomorrow, playing under the rain, climbing our santol tree..

I hope I never forget what it is being young because just by the thought of it, time seems to rewind.

I am young again.

Everyday

everyday is a struggle
a struggle to keep you off my mind
how can i feel u beside me
when you're not really there with me
i lose track of time
i lose track of dimension
i even lose my mentation
feels like trapped at a time
when u were mine
then reality bites in
suddenly it starts to hurt
and i realize the cut is still there,
still deep
and soon it is going to be an ugly scar

everyday is a struggle
trying to do what is right
and doing the right thing hurts for some time
but i never get tired of the struggle
everyday.

is there anybody out there who loves the rain?  i count myself in.

there a lot of downsides to rains:  the floods, the lightning, the traffic, businesses going slow, crops getting devastated, people getting sick, others die.  in fact, for this particular storm, juaning, twenty are already dead and the storm's not even over yet.  my review class got canceled and i had to travel all the way from bataan.  I couldn't sleep on the bus, the highway is slippery and it's hard to nap when u know danger is lurking.  at least if the the bus skids, i could hold on to something.  but still, we'll never know, death comes when it comes.  

i'm a rain person, i love the rain so it's hard to become jubilant or ecstatic when you're aware that many are crowding the evacuation centers, some hungry and cold and sick.  i can imagine little children crying.  there were few houses that were downed by flash floods and the families were not able to save even their clothes (much more all the stuff that they worked hard and saved for).  i never went through any of those but i feel for these people .  i sit here all comfy, warm and dry while they go through these sufferings.  all my ever happy memories of the rain are drowning by what's truly happening in the environment.  it seems normal to hear about flash floods and landslides and one month worth of rain pouring in just a few hours.  this isn't the case years back.

good things don't last.  nothing on earth will last and all the beauty we know, they have deadlines.

The Age Game

An unexpectedly and short encounter I had one day while taking a regular bus ride on a regular day to my review. Here is how it went:
me: Morayta (while handing out my fare to the bus conductor)
conductor: Estudyante?
me: Hindi po (w/ a serious look on my face).
conductor: Mukha lang? (smiling w/ a tinge of nambobola-look)
me: (just smiled back because what he said has not sunk in yet..)

When it comes to conversations, I lag sometimes. It takes a few seconds before I realize that what was really said to me. If took a minute and I still didn't get it, that meant I am never going to get it which meant I would need to make some clarifications. As to the case of the bus conductor, I didn't have that chance and even I did, I wouldn't want to make the conversation longer and that has nothing to do with his being a bus conductor.


Going back to what I was supposed to write, my age has been a subject of guessing games dozens of times. I check the mirror and I don't really look I'm turning 36 this year. I'm not bragging about it. It's just that I'm happy that I look young. Maybe it has something to do with my built being small-medium. My height, I'm the shortest among my siblings. And soon enough, my daughters will be taller than me. Well, I do make some efforts to keep Lucille young-looking (not by the clothes, promise) but I think there's something more than physical that makes a person young. I don't know.. maybe my thoughts, my memories, my positive views. If I were to look inside me, I don't really feel far from being the child I know. When people become adults, they leave the child in them behind (I'm not talking here of maturity, ok, 'cause that's a whole different topic). I guess I can say I didn't do that part. I can still feel how the concrete road felt when I walked and ran barefoot, I can still feel how the breeze blew after a storm, I can still hear the raindrops as it softly hit our roof, I know exactly how our garden and front street looked looking out our from window, the kids singing Christmas carols in front of our door. All these things are still with me, not really making my baggage heavier. Ironically, it makes my life lighter.

To conclude, I don't really feel I look young.. It's more like I feel I'm still YOUNG, literally.

we are scheduled to attend my aunt's wake tomorrow night in st. anthony parish in singalong manila. whew! i will be seeing the school grounds, the new buildings, the old ones and many more changes i expect that wud have occurred almost two decades after i graduated high school there.

more significantly, i will be blown away by so many memories i had in st. anthony school. i miss all my high school friends. i don't know what else to write here. i guess it wud be better to blog after friday so i could describe more of the experience. 

for quite a while, i became a slave. i felt what it was like to do wrong and still feel it was right. so now i realized that not because it feels right, it really is the right thing. i don't wanna go back there. it 's dark and powerless.

i feel like i'm in the middle of the storm right now. blown by strong winds from all directions, visibility very low w/ temperatures bombarding my krause end bulbs.

My First Entry

Ahhh... finally I got my own blog space again. I think I made a few blogs in my friendster account but then I said goodbye to it for not so big a reason. I don't have much to say for this blog  because I really gotta go back to my review.. chapter on Chronic Pain. I am actually drowning in my thoughts right now because there is so much that I want to write and I am consciously blocking each of them because time's a-running! But don't worry thoughts, we'll get to it one by one in due time. For now, I'm just happy I created this space. I still need to get used to this.